Dating apps are presented as an easy and quick way to find your soul mate. But few people think about what really lies behind those harmless “swipes”. Today, socially active people are deleting dating apps, complaining of feelings of emptiness and burnout.
One recent case involved a man who sought psychological help because he felt truly addicted to a dating app. He was constantly going on dates and spending time with beautiful women. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that somewhere out there on the app, someone even better was waiting for him. So he kept swiping, even if he liked a woman. As a result, he suffered from loneliness simply because he didn’t give any first date a chance to become a second. Why this happens and how we get “hooked” on online dating is explained below.
Why dating apps “don’t let us go”
As paradoxical as it may sound, apps are designed to keep us coming back again and again. Developers are not at all interested in us finding our soul mate right away and happily going off to build our lives in reality. After all, then they would simply lose their profits. Therefore, their main task is to keep us inside for as long as possible.
Every new match, like, or message is a small “push” for the brain, which provokes the release of dopamine. And this is one of the reasons why we become addicted so quickly. Another reason is the illusion of endless choice. And it is this illusion that encourages us to continue searching for an elusive ideal, even when it is long past time to stop.
How an excess of alternatives paralyzes us
At first glance, it seems logical: the more options we have, the easier it is to find “the one”. But in practice, this is not the case at all. When we gain access to a huge number of potential partners, our brain starts to work differently:
- It is difficult for us to focus on one person when there are thousands of profiles in front of our eyes. We begin to devalue and lose motivation to invest in communication, because each interlocutor seems to us to be just “one of many”.
- We start looking for a non-existent ideal. And we create an image from traits inherent in different people: from one we take appearance, from another — a sense of humor, from a third — emotional maturity. If our conversation partner lacks any of these traits, we stubbornly continue our search.
- We can spend hours on the app, but never get close to anyone. Matches, likes, and messages give us the feeling of an active social life, when in fact we remain alone.
In addition, quite often it is not communication itself that becomes important to a person, but how many matches and likes they have. And they lose interest in other people, simply enjoying “being hooked”. What happens in our brains is very similar to what a person who gambles experiences: swipe → wait → match → dopamine rush. The more matches we get, the more dependent we become on a new “dose of approval”.
As a result, dating services do not bring us closer to happy relationships, but rather distance us from them. We become hostages to our own illusions and even begin to think that there are simply not enough good candidates on the internet. But in reality, the key problem is oversaturation with options, which prevents the brain from “stopping”.
How to combat addiction?
Let’s say right away that online dating is not evil in itself. The main thing is to approach it wisely. Here are some tips to help you avoid becoming a hostage to your own illusions:
- Set clear time limits. The longer we mindlessly swipe through profiles, the faster we become addicted. When there are clear limits, we automatically become more selective. We start paying attention to those with whom we can really build a relationship, rather than just flipping through profiles. Limit your usage to 20-30 minutes a day, and you’ll be able to get rid of the “dopamine withdrawal”.
- Focus on the quality of communication, not the number of matches. Online services encourage us to “collect trophies”. You need to set aside time to communicate with two or three people who really interest you. Don’t try to impress a dozen candidates who are completely unsuitable for you.
- Give up the pursuit of perfection. Apps make us believe that “somewhere out there is someone without flaws”. But in reality, behind every profile is a real person with their own strengths and weaknesses. That’s why it’s important to remind yourself that no one is perfect. And don’t judge a person solely by their “picture”, because first impressions can be very deceiving.
- Don’t delay the transition to reality. Correspondence often gives a false sense of real contact. And the longer you communicate only on the Internet, the more illusions you build. So if you feel comfortable in each other’s company, don’t be afraid to suggest meeting in person.
And one more tip — don’t get hung up on dating apps. Today there are many alternatives, and one of them is online video chats. Their main advantage is the absence of swipes. There are no thousands of profiles to scroll through before you can start communicating with someone. You enter a chat roulette and immediately start communicating. The system automatically selects a conversation partner for you, and instead of a photo, you see a person live, as they are in real life. You can once again see facial expressions, gestures, intonation, and glances. And you don’t have to guess what mood your conversation partner is in — you can “read” all of this from their behavior.
Another plus is that videochats don’t have likes and other artificial incentives that cause addiction. You simply communicate with each other on a wide variety of topics. And if you don’t like the person you’re talking to, just click “Next” and in a couple of seconds you’ll start chatting with someone new. For example, Mirami has a very large audience — people from all over the world communicate here, so there will definitely be no shortage of interesting conversation partners. And if you’re interested in meeting people of the opposite sex, we recommend a good alternative to MiraMi chat — CooMeet. Here, the system connects men only with women and vice versa — the perfect choice for online dating.
Modern technologies have changed the way we meet people. But they should not control our personal lives. Therefore, approach online dating thoughtfully. And don’t forget that the endless search for the ideal often deprives us of the opportunity to build sincere relationships.
